THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

THE GRIEF, LONGING, LOSS AND SHAME

A dark title for this corner of the website – but it is what we so often are told.

The processing works in phases. Do not expect to see the big picture from the start. Give yourself time and room to get to terms with your new situation and the fact that you will have ups and downs.

GRIEF

The heartfelt grief of not being able to do what others do.

The wish to be carefree and like everybody else just talks about insubstantial difficulties related to the sex life.

The agonizing irritation when friends talk about sexual conquests, and the self-loathing when it’s not possible to feel joy on their behalf.

It is natural and understandable to feel this – and every other thing you might feel – even though it feels neither nice nor comfortable.

Experience shows that it is good to acknowledge when this is how it is. Look at the outcome; reflect on to what degree the consequence of grief is acceptable. This is not about changing what leads to grief, but grief itself, which is probably a part of every healing process.

  • How much space will you allow it to take up? 
  • Can it be used to find the energy to get on – to find calm and acceptance in a new situation?
  • Does it become a massive load stealing your action and initiative?

Then, think through with whom you can share your thoughts, who will be right to discuss your reflections with?

LONGING

The longing for not being worried, the longing for feeling filled out, the longing for lack of pain. Often we hear, that those who have had a carefree sex life, terribly miss being what they were. “It is as if the youth has been taken away”, as one of our customers expressed it. Youth that did not require big scale planning, or the risk of good suddenly turning bad. Heavy bricks have unexpectedly been put in your backpack.

Your longing is in a way a signal that there is something you want. You want to find a satisfying way to a fun and giving sex life. You have chosen to invest time and money in When Love Hurts because you would like to find that way.

Spend time to find inspiration to fill your gap. Senses can compensate each other. Read When Sex Hurts 

If you have a partner, tell him or her about the grief. They might feel it too. Get the elephant out into the light. Tell that you wish to find something new that can replace some of the longings. Then you and your partner can acknowledge that you can work towards a common solution.

LOSS

Maybe it will not be possible for you to come back to what was. It may have been lost to sickness, treatment, or a changed body. Obviously, you have lost something far too suddenly. Unfortunately, the loss is a part of the change. Gradually we lose our childhood, our youth, and the carefree approach. In exchange, we get adulthood, freedom, experience and calm.

It might not sound like what you go through now. And it isn’t.

E.g.:

  • the loss of ability for penetration
  • to be free of pain
  • to be free of diagnosis and symptoms

It is in a completely different league.

The point here is that something else can be put instead. It does not happen overnight but by thoroughly using a trial and error approach over a period.

Sex and pleasure have a lot to do with setting your goals realistically so that you will experience reaching them. You can always at some point be able to move the barre, and it is essential to register the progress and joy when things feel good.

SHAME

There is a big taboo in not being able to function sexually. It can be difficult to articulate where the disorder is located, and the symptoms are rooted. Adding that sex does not work on standard terms is almost like a mammoth to put words to.

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