Resuming your sex life – when it is time

It can feel unsettling, or almost unfamiliar, to resume your sex life after sex has been on hold for a while. Perhaps you’ve been through surgery or treatment. Perhaps you’ve experienced pain, lost your desire, or had experiences that have gradually made sex feel further and further away.

The fact that your body is able to have sex again doesn’t necessarily mean you feel ready. And resuming your sex life doesn’t have to mean starting with penetration, or trying to get your sex life back to exactly what it once was.

Start with yourself instead. What have you been through? What do you miss? And what might you like to find your way back to?

What was there before your sex life was put on hold?

Try thinking back to the time before your sex life changed. What did sex mean to you then?

Perhaps you had a sex life you miss. Perhaps there was already pain, a lack of desire, or something else that wasn’t working. Or perhaps sex has never played a particularly big part in your life. Perhaps your earlier sex life was young, new and full of energy, and that’s the sex life you’re comparing yourself to now. But time and life can also have moved on, and it’s not certain that going back to how things were is what you need.

This is worth thinking about, because it doesn’t necessarily make sense to try to return to something you don’t really miss, or can’t get back anyway.

Ask yourself: what was good? What wasn’t? And is there anything from your old sex life you’d actually like to have back?

Why was your sex life put on hold?

The reason your sex life stopped matters.

If sex has been painful, you may have become wary of touch or penetration, and perhaps notice your body tensing up simply at the prospect of sex. If you’ve lost a partner, or been through illness, surgery or treatment, both your body and your relationship with sex can have changed. And if your sex life faded because of low desire, or because sex was never really enjoyable, the way forward may look different again.

A great deal can also have happened while your sex life was on hold. Your body, your relationship, your desire, or the way you see yourself, can all have changed.

So you don’t need to find a single explanation. What matters most is understanding a little more about what caused sex to be put on hold, because that can tell you something about what you need now.

Are you ready to resume your sex life?

Then comes the second question: do you want to?

You can miss closeness, touch or the feeling of being sexual without wanting intercourse. You can also want something in your mind while noticing that your body becomes tense when it’s actually about to happen.

Try to avoid turning this into a test of whether you can have sex again.

Ask yourself instead: what might I actually feel like right now?

That might be kissing, lying close together, being caressed, touching yourself, giving or receiving oral sex, or something else entirely. It could also be penetration. There’s no single act that proves you’ve resumed your sex life.

Resuming your sex life isn’t the same as resuming penetration

If penetration used to be an important part of your sex life, it can be tempting to use it as a yardstick: can we have intercourse again?

But penetration doesn’t have to be the starting point, or the goal.

Use your whole body. Hands, mouths, skin, kissing, touch and sex toys can all be sex, just as much as penetration. If penetration feels good, it can be part of sex. If it doesn’t, you can leave it out or wait.

Read [link: Penetration doesn’t have a veto: how to have good sex without penetration].

Getting to know your body again

When the body has been through pain, illness, treatment or a long break from sex, it can respond differently than it used to.

What used to feel good might not anymore. On the other hand, something else might now feel nice. You may need more time, a different kind of touch, or a different way of becoming aroused.

Here it can help to explore your body on your own first, not to check whether it “works”, but to find out what feels good now.

Your old familiarity with your body isn’t necessarily gone. But you may need to build new, positive experiences on top of it.

Read [link: Finding your sexual pleasure] and [link: The path to desire and pleasure].

What do you want sex to give you?

Resuming your sex life can be a good moment to ask yourself why you actually want to have sex.

Is it pleasure? Orgasm? A sense of calm in the body? Feeling yourself? Intimacy? Playfulness? Feeling sexual? Being close to another person?

There’s no single right answer. And your answer may have changed.

You might also discover that you don’t actually miss the sex life you had, but would like a different one.

Read [link: Why do we have sex] and [link: Desire for sex: what turns you on?].

If you’re afraid it will hurt again

If sex has hurt before, it can be hard to simply trust that this time will be different. You might find yourself checking in constantly, or becoming tense even before anything actually hurts.

This doesn’t mean you should push through in order to teach your body that sex is safe. Start with something that feels manageable and pleasant, and give yourself permission to stop or change direction along the way.

Good sexual experiences can help make the next one easier.

Read [link: When sex hurts] and [link: When the pain goes away].

If your body or your relationship with yourself has changed

It can also be hard to resume your sex life if you no longer feel at home in your body.

A scar, a changed body, or a long period as a patient can affect how you see yourself. You might feel less sexual or less attractive, even though your body is physically ready for sex.

You don’t need to reach a point of loving everything about your body first. But it can be worth exploring what it takes for you to feel pleasure, closeness and sexuality again in the body you have now.

If grief, loss, longing or shame also come with what you’ve lost, or what has changed, read [link: The elephant in the room].

If you have a partner

Resuming your sex life within a relationship doesn’t have to be a test of whether you can have sex the way you used to.

Talk about what you feel like doing, what you’re unsure about, and what your partner feels like doing. Agree that you can stop, change direction or do something completely different, without that meaning the attempt has failed.

And remember to say what feels good. The conversation about sex doesn’t have to be only about pain, limitations and what you can’t do.

Read [link: Talking about sex: putting pain and needs into words] and [link: In a relationship].

You don’t need to go back. You need to move forward

Resuming your sex life doesn’t have to mean getting your old sex life back.

Much of it may come back just as you remember it. Some things may be different. And you might discover something new that actually works better for you.

Start with what you feel like doing and what feels good. Stay curious about your body, and don’t use penetration or orgasm as proof of whether sex has succeeded.

A sex life isn’t something your body has to pass. It’s something you should want to be part of.