WHO ARE YOU AND WHO AM I?
If you are in a relationship, it can be difficult to put into words what you want sexually, or what you experience as nice and not so nice. The following should make it easier for you to verbalize “likes” and “dislikes”.
MAPPING OF YOUR BODYS’ EROGENOUS ZONES
Both you and your partner should each read the “Find Yourself” section first and perform the exercise.
Afterwards, print these two maps and describe to one another how you like to touch your partner and how you think your partner would like to be touched.
Arrange a calm evening to share your registrations, e.g. the map from “Find yourself” and the ones you made of each other. Compare and talk to each other about touching, where, when is it too much or too little, and whether you prefer touching with hands or mouths. Or if one of you prefer something different from time to time, maybe being touched by feather, silk, vibrator?
If you do this, it is important that you make an effort to remember each other’s stimulation points.
EXPAND YOUR BODY MAP
When you know each other’s preferences regarding location, order, and contact degree of stimulation points, you can experiment with variations. Pleasure thrives on variety. Try to test each other’s stimulation points and talk about how you experience that. You could check your points on your partner’s body. Maybe you have some of them in common? (If you have not read Road to Pleasure it can serve as inspiration)
GET THE KETTLE BOILING
The ability to engage sexually is like a river – it flows and grows as it is nourished. If you or your partner break away from all kinds of sexual behaviour, the river will flow with less power; it might even more or less dry out. In other terms – nerves connecting the brain and erogenous zones become untrained as well as muscles and the sexual mind.
The river can, however, start flowing again when attended to. With a little stream of sexuality or frequent contact to the areas, there is the possibility to make it grow. You can get the pot boiling by flirting and egging each other on, even though you may not be able to share every type or kind of sex.
PAIN DURING SEX
If you have a partner, you have to tell them when sex hurts and what triggers the pain. Pain during sex is not good for you. Pain is stored in your body, and one day your nerves decide to protect you from it by creating a conditioned response. (Vaginismus)
Many paths lead to sex, pleasure, and intimacy. Together, you must continue to search for the solution that works for you both, making sure that it does not involve pain. When you put the book of sexual routines away and begin to experiment, you will see that there may be pain or discomfort at times. The pain that comes when you are experimenting must be acknowledged and then moved away from. It can be a sign that this particular way of engaging in sex doesn’t work for you both. You have to learn from your experiments and move on to new options or make little changes to avoid pain reappearing.
Sometimes you try something that won’t work. Don’t let that discourage you! Note it and move on.
When the gate is closing
Sometimes it can feel as if your brain wants one thing and your body something else. It is like you feel the urge but the body stops you and your vagina closes. If the body is working against your expectations, it may be that you have to work to reprogram your nerve impulses and their translation and meaning in the brain. When a conditioned response has been created, for example, “penetration causes pain,” the nervous system will tell the body that sex is not allowed. The nerves get all the muscles to work together, so the vagina entirely or partially becomes closed off. A skilled therapist can help you work with your body to reverse the response in your nerves. Basically, this is all about convincing your nerves, that you, i.e. your consciousness, can take care of your body and make sure that it is no longer exposed to unnecessary pain. It is a matter of confidence that has to be built. It may take time and patience, but it can be done. (Read about Vaginismus)