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Being intimate and sexually active is very much the glue in a relationship. It is essential to maintain, refine, invest, and find a solution that matches both of your needs, desires, and wishes.

As a couple, you might have different definitions of what is pleasurable in a sexual encounter and what it gives you. Although the ingredients might be different, the mixture of the two definitions becomes what connects you. In a relationship where one party experiences pain or difficulties related to sexuality, it is obviously a challenge to find an approach that suits both parties. Research shows that a good sex life keeps relationships healthier, so it makes sense to aim for a solution with the right elements so that both of you have a say. Whether the relationship is healthy because the partners can find a mutual solution or if it is the contact in itself is not to be said here. Probably both.

Your challenge as a couple is to reach a common understanding of how to find your intimacy. 

When difficulties tear apart

Couples sometime distance themselves from one another when one is having difficulties, like sexual pain. One reason might be that it becomes easier to say “no” to sex than it is to find a viable option – it becomes annoying to constantly say or be told that sex is wrong, hurts, or just it isn’t nice. It gets easier to prevent the situation by initially saying no. This goes for both parts of the relationship.  Another reason that causes couples to drift apart would be that – the self-image suffers a blow for one or both. She might no longer choose to be a “Marilyn Monroe flirt.” She pulls away, perhaps, because she does not see herself as sexy, desirable, and attractive. He may stop complimenting her – stop playing the flirt card – afraid that it will be misunderstood as an invitation to sex instead of a well-meant compliment. He feels unwanted and unattractive.  

When the daily sense of enjoyment, playfulness, and the ability to feel attractive is being shelved, so will the sexual feelings and thoughts. They gradually take up less and less space. The instantaneousness feeling of being sexy becomes less common or disappears altogether.  

Find ways that makes you both feel attractive to each other and learn, by being clear about what you like, how to act attractively. It is all about flirting.

Telepathy will not do – communicate

You and your partner can not and should not guess what the other part thinks, craves or needs. Remember to be vocal about your needs and desires and ask your partner to do the same. When speaking, try to change your language. Instead of stating that something is wrong, turn the sentence into expressing what would be nice or what you would love to happen. In this way, your partner experiences a sense of doing good and fulfilling your needs. You might be surprised that it is contagious – maybe the language between you in every day talk changes to be more positive and attentive.  

In sexual moments use acknowledging and appreciating language to guide your partner.

Be present

To be in or to enjoy the present moment means that you no longer need to search for the enjoyment of what lies ahead of you or what you might not be able to have. Direct your attention to the present moment of the kiss, the touch, or flirting as it is in itself. Seek a more mindful way to enjoy each step. Think of all that you take for granted. Many people – from children to the elderly – want to be touched. That is an essential element of being alive, but we sometimes don’t recognise it until it is no longer there.  

It is you and you alone who knows when something has given you a sense of 100% pleasure at the moment.

ENDORPHIN CASCADES

Remember to ask your partner to touch you if you miss it

You both need to be touched. Try a few long strokes down the spine or a massage. Skin being touched triggers the release of endorphins – nerve messages that make us feel good. When the body sends daily messages saying something isn’t right – you need a bunch of positive messages to counteract the negative ones.  Schedule appointments with one another. Set one hour aside, preferably at regular intervals (for example once a week.) In the massage scenario, you can decide, sex is excluded – it’s all about touch. This provides a refuge where you know what the experience will entail. Or do a massage where talking is forbidden. Do one utilising language, saying whether it should be harder or softer, slightly to the right or a little to the left; be generous and say when it’s nice. It is good for you both to hear that it is good. Be imaginative and playful and find ways that feel good for the both of you – or take turns! Try using tools as a feather, a scarf, a quiz. You can invest in your massage knowledge and take a secret course so you can excel in wellness for your partner.  Or find the good suggestions on YouTube. 

IS MASTURBATION OK?

Masturbation is a good way to stay sexually active

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